how i know for sure

so real and so personal, but so hard to put into words


Someone so huge, all-knowing and all-powerful, yet so compassionate and loving and gracious..
One that leads, teaches and rebukes, yet covers and comforts.

by twelve i realised that people were not always dependable and consistent. that we hurt each other- sometimes without realising. by twelve i was frustrated. and angry. and if He isn’t real,
then who is it that comforts me when night falls and everything/ everyone fails, even to this day?
what is that voice that tells me i am not alone, and where does it come from?
it cannot be me. for i am weak, and weaker still

and that love-
has anyone experienced a greater love in all the universe? could it ever be possible for any human being to be so, so, loving?
at fifteen i saw a greater glimpse of this love that i did not deserve.
this love that tells me i am enough.. despite the ugly parts people see and hate/ the flaws people don’t know about. all-knowing and all-powerful, but He loves anyway. even when i cannot do the same. this love that tells me that i am fearfully and wonderfully made.. that i am beautiful in His eyes?! despite the weaknesses and mistakes and inadequacy
and this love amazes me to this day-
when i saw how every soul was so precious in His sight.. no matter how hidden/ forgotten from ‘civilised society’, or how far they have turned away. this year He taught me that 12 hours on the road, if only to bring a little of His love to a single soul.. is still worth it.
what love is this
it makes no sense.
this love that overflows
how?

if He isn’t real
then how
how would i have gotten through the past.. 10+ years?
where would i learn forgiveness, or trust, or hope?
why wouldn’t i be jealous, or angry, or generally messed up?

and it is this love that draws me out of the pits
when my soul aches and my bones are heavy,
when this mind can only think up ways to end life in the most painless way possible.
even to death i run from pain.
But bring on the pain, bring on the anguish and the loss
for His goodness shines through these situations
how else could there be joy in my heart?

for even when i cannot hear Him,
He sends angels to remind me of how He loves and how He is in control,
or songs/ verses/ whatever to do the same.
a matter of happenstance?
once, or twice, or thrice.. maybe.
but all these things that happen
the many signs and miracles
could they be mere coincidence?
i cannot see them as such.

i know this for sure, and the voices of the world don’t matter anymore.
life is easier when i’m on Your shoulders.
my inadequacies.. innumerable,
but nothing really matters when you are loved by your Creator.

borrowed words:

My God
His grace is remarkable
Mercies are innumerable
Strength is impenetrable
He is honorable, accountable, and favorable
Unsearchable yet knowable
Indefinable yet approachable
Indescribable yet personal
He is beyond comprehension
Further than imagination
Constant through generations
King of every nation
But
If there are words for Him then I don’t have them
You see my words are few
And to try and capture the one true God
Using my vocabulary will never do
But I use my words as an expression
An expression of worship to a Savior
A Savior who is both worthy and deserving of my praise
So I use words

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