awe

at regional mtg last night, found myself asking “why seek God”, instead of “why not”. wouldn’t have imagined myself asking this question a few years ago, because He is all things good and brought me out of dark places, before i knew how to stand on my own. but today, much stronger by His grace, a lukewarm life lived on my own- but still being christian, becomes so much more tempting.

following the Lord is hard. dying to self is hard. choosing to take up the cross each day, focusing on the Lord when everything else in the world that is so tangible and so visible calls for your attention.. is hard. And so a few weeks ago when i thought about whether i was willing to take up my cross and be legitimately committed, i could not answer. it was no longer a ‘yes’ free of hesitation because even though i knew His plans are higher, He loves most freely, i thought i could settle for a life with less, without the struggles of following Him. i was not backsliding, but becoming comfortable. i am too flawed and faraway from the ‘ideal’, He desires obedience but like jacob, i wrestle, and repeatedly. the Lord is kind, and i am grateful.. but ungrateful.

we sang Elohim, after that question. it is who He is that draws us to Him, like a friend we really like and want to spend more time with. i think i forgot.

to You alone may my spirit yield

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