gezellig

inspired1!!! reminded of the many many many many hrs of work behind a successful act, from conception to practice to perfection.. the failures n self-scrutiny that can sometimes be crippling. the number of people involved- some you do not see, yet each doing their part.. to the smallest detail, just to create a particular experience for the audience…….. does it matter how brightly the light shines and what color it is? at what particular moment the music comes in? why does the music have to change? why does the prop have to be placed at THAT spot? the audience wouldn’t know otherwise, yet it matters deeply to the crafters. it’s so obvious when both heart and head has been put into a show. sosososososo much respect. and after all that work, learning to let a liiiiittle of that control go, to leave space for the magic to happen in collaboration with the audience, n flow with it. jacob collier u have taught me lots today 🙂 that was rly quite the magical experience.

really respect leh. have a lot of respect for a lot of people LOL and have recently been feeling very grateful for every encounter/ talk no matter the duration. there is so much to learn lah i hope i remember to always put in the real work for the things that matter to me. RESPECTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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building

recently thought about the ‘love languages’ thing and thought words weren’t that important anymore. in the past few xyrs they’ve been cheapened by courtesies and lies and need no effort. it seems a simple ‘jiayou’ can replace one’s effort in being physically there for another. ‘sorry’ is suddenly enough when your actions show no respect for another – not their being, not their time, not their feelings. but was reminded this wk of how words can edify when genuine and spoken to the heart. am grateful to have journeyed with these few even if only for a short year. they have seen and understand my heart, exemplify faithfulness and humble service, and teach me to be vulnerable and more generous with kind words, that suddenly i find myself feeling hurt more frequently when at the receiving end of thoughtless comments. thank God for allowing us to journey together in this season before we graduate, for showing me what community can look like and for providing for this group

was also reminded of the first and only comm trail i did in ’16 when i just switched majors. actually quite sad that the whole prog ended up like that.. but i guess politics and differences of men plague every organisation. didn’t realise that the trail and ctp in general shaped my view of comm work and ABCD so much, time rly flies.. was so much younger n more ignorant then hahah grateful for the laojiaos who had so much patience for noobs like us and grateful for these opportunities. can’t believe i ever wanted to be an MSW HAAHAH must be psycho-ed by dr lee in the past.

take up your cross and follow Me

one of the few things i remember from school is the question ‘why you do what you do’. thinking about that lately. dying to self to follow the Lord.. am i even capable of that? would i one day follow not my impulses and convictions but wait on the Lord, and see what He wants for me? would my obedience one day be greater than everything else i try to sacrifice in guilt

If you wonder if you are ready to take up your cross, consider these questions:

  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means losing some of your closest friends?
  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means alienation from your family?
  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means the loss of your reputation?
  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means losing your job?
  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means losing your life?

In some places of the world, these consequences are reality. But notice the questions are phrased, “Are you willing?” Following Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean all these things will happen to you, but are you willing to take up your cross? If there comes a point in your life where you are faced with a choice—Jesus or the comforts of this life—which will you choose?

Commitment to Christ means taking up your cross daily, giving up your hopes, dreams, possessions, even your very life if need be for the cause of Christ.

it is easy to pretend that all is done in love..
but God knows i am ashamed to say that most of what i have been doing has been for me.

following the Lord isn’t easy.

i wish i was better

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.

(Psalm 1:1–3)

may i, one day be as grounded,
less distracted
to go deeper, be more rooted
consistent
to choose the right battles
and learn to say no in an earthly world with so, so many possibilities.

till the day i throw away all human judgment and learn to trust fully in You-

there are days i wonder if my capacity is actually pea-sized. and maybe it is not that i am strong + made stronger bcos of perceived ‘tough’ battles, but that it is this pea-sized capacity being easily overwhelmed and growing to…. peanut size? is this bad? maybe not. maybe only when seen in comparison to others.

learning in the past 2 months that there are too many things we cannot find answers to. sometimes there is no point. and so much i cannot bring myself to think about.

also learning that autonomy and self determination, and viewing strengths not deficits.. lol, 很难

and very real fears that i could become a gatekeeper who fails to convey empathy, or become apathetic and unwilling to go deeper because of my inability to accept how little one can do.

ethics is the biggest lOL

But yes.. 不能一步登天.

WHY LORD r human beings i.e. ME so flawed?

Ok i dont need an answer. 

mess is mine

some days i am reminded of how much i can’t stand human beings. the human condition??? lol actually i dont even know what this human condition is exactly just act abit chim only. and then i wonder why i’m even in a helping profession but then again i really do love human beings (sometimes? most of the time?) and it’s not anyone’s fault that we are human beings and sinners right??? idek…… as a friend said……. ‘life. always in tension.’ lel human beings are too complicated and there is often too much left unspoken “CHEE BA BOOM!!!!!!”

ice cream chips and maggi all in a night’s work yuuUpPz go hard or go home~~sobz gna gain all that pre evo weight back i guess stress has its benefits too like eating less because u r too damn tired to move

always feel a little part of my heart sting when we talk about parentification and triangulation and being a rescuer hmMmMmMzz zzZzzzzzZZZZZzzz hate it when all these resurface like over and out forever pls!!!!!!!

zzzzzzzz ankle has been dead hello pls stop

i just really want to read a light frivolous book that does not make me look into myself and does not require me to use my brains

ya my brain is in a mess

the dark night takes away its innocence and the despair crushes its dreams, yet it mercifully compensates life with a sacred wisdom that’s gleamed through pain, hardship, betrayal and deep disappointment. thus the dark melancholy of life ironically gives discernment to life’s enigma and depth to life’s experience. so if we incline our soul to learn, we would grow, but we must choose to learn. melancholy doesn’t automatically add to life’s meaning, nor sadness to life’s sagacity.

-Edmund Chan

going to take a 10 day break from human beings when this ends

I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.– My Uncle Oswald