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so marks the end of another season. 10 weeks flew by so quickly though the last few days felt like they were nv gonna enDDD and were filled with so much dread n anxiety. not sure if im any closer to knowing where exactly i want to work in future, but rly cant imagine being in another field. but dis iz only da beginning. T_T

first day post placement: sleeping in, yoga n lunch with a long time friend, trying to finish up CSRs, class with a dancer i respect lots n getting REKT, and cell 🙂 one of the best things of tday wld probably be getting updates from a colleague tt we’ll be applying FA for my (ex)client :-))))) never wanted to be a worker dealing with FA but after so many ‘whys’ and frustrations the past 2 weeks, am relieved 🙂 indomie n sangria to end a loOooooOng week :-))))))

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there are days i whine and rant like a child, wondering why God has called me to this, refusing to let myself free fall into His love and refusing to accept that He really does have it planned, from start to end. the journey inward has been tiring, explaining why this is even necessary to others who think they are listening, even more so. knowing something cognitively doesn’t mean acceptance, or that feelings automatically disappear. learning to sit with discomfort and feelings i dislike. thank God for a supervisor who exemplifies tough love and allows for vulnerability, for seminar classmates who understand and encourage. tired but grateful, and a looooong way to go

‘difficult only means you have to work hard’

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motivation.. self efficacy.. self concept..
why am i doing what i am doing? why do i keep looking back at.. me?

first time missing exchange aft being back. the silence and simplicity, the weather, the lack of responsibility and expectations, meeting new people but only for a moment – fleeting but so genuine. bye bye boston 😦

why does this tiredness come so suddenly
am i really self aware at all?
why does it matter how others see me
if i say i am a servant of the Lord?
why do i forget lessons so easily
and why don’t my questions have answers
why have You called me to this
when only You know all things, from start to end?
how long before this all ends

maybe i can’t do this.. but maybe i can?

holding it up

this week was tiRING……. but reminded of His sovereignty and well rested in the Lord. how nice 2 spend a few hours in worship, with others who yearn for Him as well 🙂 joy comes from Him alone. 

those days are the reason why it is so important to know why i am doing what i do…. when u feel helpless and when self efficacy iS…. haharrr missing. the road seems so long but wanting to get to the end doesnt stop me from getting distracted.. should be working so much harder- owe it to my clients and to the Lord. praying that i will be faithful in the remaining weeks and months to come…..


seeking can be such a trap sometimes. happiness, or status, or money, or meaning, or good. even good. and it all leads to nothing but wanting even more. i am satisfied in You.

sitting outdoors in spring is one of the best feelings :-)))))))0

Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about Your faithfulness
Let my pain reveal Your glory as my only real rest
Let my losses show me all I truly have is You

/how many circles can i walk in before i give up looking
how long before im lost for good
it must be possible to swim in the ocean of the one you love without drowning
it must be possible to swim without becoming water yourself
but i keep swallowing what i thought was air
i keep finding stones tied to my feet – sarah kay/

enouement

finally have some time to reflect on 2016, the past month felt like some frenzy to settle visa stuff and spend time with as many people as possible. 2016 was hard. but it was a good year, with some odd stuff happening. never doubted myself more, but a year of breaking and relearning and greater self-awareness. a year my faith was challenged, with some real tiny faith that pulled me through some moments, but also a year i learnt to accept grace instead of trying to match up to it. 2016 was emotional and in retrospect it always seems like so many things could have been done better.. ok i have no way to end this lol.

anyways now that hannah and weiyang have left it feels like the start of a new season. not hoping to accomplish great things but for more integration between the different roles i perform and greater clarity in thinking.

taking it lightly

even to accept His grace and love for me.. will require His grace and help.
pathetic human.

long long long long long long long journey..

He must increase and i must decrease

till i am nothing

NOTHING!!

it is funny how in the span of less than a year i decided that being vulnerable was too much of a risk and human beings suck and then was hit with the importance of vulnerability over n over again. years of healing and rebuilding gone in a few moments- weak, weak, weak pathetic human. so tired of this.

it is now when i am too tired to run on my own and am left with no choice but to let it go.

just
a sigh