holding it up

this week was tiRING……. but reminded of His sovereignty and well rested in the Lord. how nice 2 spend a few hours in worship, with others who yearn for Him as well 🙂 joy comes from Him alone. 

those days are the reason why it is so important to know why i am doing what i do…. when u feel helpless and when self efficacy iS…. haharrr missing. the road seems so long but wanting to get to the end doesnt stop me from getting distracted.. should be working so much harder- owe it to my clients and to the Lord. praying that i will be faithful in the remaining weeks and months to come…..


seeking can be such a trap sometimes. happiness, or status, or money, or meaning, or good. even good. and it all leads to nothing but wanting even more. i am satisfied in You.

sitting outdoors in spring is one of the best feelings :-)))))))0

Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about Your faithfulness
Let my pain reveal Your glory as my only real rest
Let my losses show me all I truly have is You

/how many circles can i walk in before i give up looking
how long before im lost for good
it must be possible to swim in the ocean of the one you love without drowning
it must be possible to swim without becoming water yourself
but i keep swallowing what i thought was air
i keep finding stones tied to my feet – sarah kay/

enouement

finally have some time to reflect on 2016, the past month felt like some frenzy to settle visa stuff and spend time with as many people as possible. 2016 was hard. but it was a good year, with some odd stuff happening. never doubted myself more, but a year of breaking and relearning and greater self-awareness. a year my faith was challenged, with some real tiny faith that pulled me through some moments, but also a year i learnt to accept grace instead of trying to match up to it. 2016 was emotional and in retrospect it always seems like so many things could have been done better.. ok i have no way to end this lol.

anyways now that hannah and weiyang have left it feels like the start of a new season. not hoping to accomplish great things but for more integration between the different roles i perform and greater clarity in thinking.

taking it lightly

even to accept His grace and love for me.. will require His grace and help.
pathetic human.

long long long long long long long journey..

He must increase and i must decrease

till i am nothing

NOTHING!!

it is funny how in the span of less than a year i decided that being vulnerable was too much of a risk and human beings suck and then was hit with the importance of vulnerability over n over again. years of healing and rebuilding gone in a few moments- weak, weak, weak pathetic human. so tired of this.

it is now when i am too tired to run on my own and am left with no choice but to let it go.

just
a sigh

 

awe

at regional mtg last night, found myself asking “why seek God”, instead of “why not”. wouldn’t have imagined myself asking this question a few years ago, because He is all things good and brought me out of dark places, before i knew how to stand on my own. but today, much stronger by His grace, a lukewarm life lived on my own- but still being christian, becomes so much more tempting.

following the Lord is hard. dying to self is hard. choosing to take up the cross each day, focusing on the Lord when everything else in the world that is so tangible and so visible calls for your attention.. is hard. And so a few weeks ago when i thought about whether i was willing to take up my cross and be legitimately committed, i could not answer. it was no longer a ‘yes’ free of hesitation because even though i knew His plans are higher, He loves most freely, i thought i could settle for a life with less, without the struggles of following Him. i was not backsliding, but becoming comfortable. i am too flawed and faraway from the ‘ideal’, He desires obedience but like jacob, i wrestle, and repeatedly. the Lord is kind, and i am grateful.. but ungrateful.

we sang Elohim, after that question. it is who He is that draws us to Him, like a friend we really like and want to spend more time with. i think i forgot.

to You alone may my spirit yield

october is over!!

!!! survived two of the craziest months.. only with God’s grace 🙂
Oct was a good month, got pulled back into reality somewhere in the middle of the month. Survived MT screening and follow up along with weekend rehearsals, worked a few times, done w/ two presentations, caught Carnations and Decadance, done with muse (!!), met more friends/ fam in this mth than I have in the entire semester. Everything seems so long ago but oh God did it really all happen this month…….. got lost in all the buzz halfway and felt so, so tired at one point of time, but..

Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.
-Isaiah 40:26

a few more presentations and assignments + finals, nhs interviews, CS interviews….. and.. 🙂

calls for a glass 2 celebrate

take up your cross and follow Me

one of the few things i remember from school is the question ‘why you do what you do’. thinking about that lately. dying to self to follow the Lord.. am i even capable of that? would i one day follow not my impulses and convictions but wait on the Lord, and see what He wants for me? would my obedience one day be greater than everything else i try to sacrifice in guilt

If you wonder if you are ready to take up your cross, consider these questions:

  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means losing some of your closest friends?
  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means alienation from your family?
  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means the loss of your reputation?
  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means losing your job?
  • Are you willing to follow Jesus if it means losing your life?

In some places of the world, these consequences are reality. But notice the questions are phrased, “Are you willing?” Following Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean all these things will happen to you, but are you willing to take up your cross? If there comes a point in your life where you are faced with a choice—Jesus or the comforts of this life—which will you choose?

Commitment to Christ means taking up your cross daily, giving up your hopes, dreams, possessions, even your very life if need be for the cause of Christ.

it is easy to pretend that all is done in love..
but God knows i am ashamed to say that most of what i have been doing has been for me.

following the Lord isn’t easy.

i wish i was better