balmorhea

sitting in grad with hummus, chips, wine and my favourite playlist of instrumentals on spotify and hello strange wave of familiarity

of nights in MTL with Ligia where we would have long, unrushed dinners followed by tea, while talking about her latest and sometimes odd couchsurfing requests from surfers. my first exposure to stories of romania, cuba and israel, first exposure to vegan food, of kindness so unrestrained, and couchsurfing. i think she would have loved this song

isn’t it odd how sound and taste can bring you back to moments you can never, ever relive again?

this wine is too buttery……. im feeling prawns

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small world

this is quite odd, but i can no longer go past the bukit merah-sgh-chinatown area without thinking of different elders, thinking ‘xxx lives here’, or ‘xxx’s at the centre now, it’s probably lunchtime’, wondering how they’re doing – is rehab going well? is he still being admitted frequently? does xxx still talk about misplacing stuff?

i think… working near home in future is out of the question LOL.

pls God make me a missionary

not today

didnt love the movie but really liked this song.

part of my head thinks he had a good death + self determination, another part thinks safety and preservation of life, and yet another part remembers the sanctity of life, and knows that this life is not our own.. how then can we decide when to end or to carry on? my heart says ‘let the man do what he wants’ but guilt weighs down like a ton of bricks. is this cognitive dissonance? lol

hold onto me

more than just words

to God – ‘Thank you for always reminding me that sometimes you are the only one I can trust, you are the only I can talk to and you are the only one who is truly listening.

Thank you for all these blessings that I take for granted on a daily basis.

Thank you for always being in my heart and embracing me in my lonely nights.

Thank you for sending me all these warning signs through your messengers who were disguised as people or books or just gut feelings.

Thank you for giving me the strength I needed to endure pain and be comfortable with my loneliness.

Thank you for being patient with me when I can’t even be patient with myself.

Thank you for whispering into my soul when I almost felt dead inside.’

Excerpts from TC

finding it unusually hard to concentrate in recent days. is pushing a thought away for later considered avoidance? not that i would be able to avoid anything for long even if i wanted to, considering the nature of SW zzz. new HK drama just released on demand…. perfect avoidance tool!!!! lel. when does omission of truth become a lie? does it ever? does it matter what i believe if the rest of the world thinks otherwise? because i think most people don’t see omission of truth (especially if it’s ‘for the good of the person’ – in their opinion lol) = lying. how would we ever know if the truth would be better for the person or not? but o well i’ve been guilty of this too. life is hard and telling the truth is hard. hmm. some days i find myself wanting to stop all human interaction. and then wonder why i’m in a helping profession LOL. actually i don’t really wonder why. the professional self is separate from the private self. right?????? or is it supposed to be integrated? am i being extreme and irrational? z z ZZzzzZZZZ  hate realising my own irrational beliefs because then there will be a reason for change and AMBIVALENCE IS REAL k bye i hate everyone no actually i dont hahahahahalol bye.

was stalking this random dude on facebook and realised that i am not that wEird/ odd for thinking about friendships i.e. how friendships are maintained, whether length of friendship matters, why they choose to be friends with a certain person. plagarise abit because i am no writer:

But honestly, it doesn’t matter. Because it is easy to let go.

Just stop replying. Stop asking one another out. And we drift, apart, away. It isn’t like the primary school, ‘I don’t friend you!’, its just…silence. And silence needs to be filled up, either with whatever story you would craft for your friend or with more silence. Because people do disappear without explanations. Because we are all drifting in and out of each other’s consciousness. Because it is easy and convenient to let go.

Then I started recalling, all the whatsapp groups we created for project group meetings, or facebook groups for whatever purpose. Name it, we all have it. Tons of it. They all have expiry dates, but it doesn’t die after the function is exhausted. Its just there. Like an empty shell. Emptied of it’s presence, void of it’s essence.

Maybe life is collecting all these empty shells. And maybe all friendships are like these shells, there but empty.

It was nice while the connection existed at that moment though. Really, I mean it. Yet how I wish these once filled up shells stop emptying itself.

Then again, empty shells aren’t that bad. Yes, when you look inside you see an empty shell. But if you put your ear to it, you will hear the shell singing the silence back into your soul and memory.

came home to find 5 ants on my table….. googled about ants last night and apparently they are scout ants, and for every one scout ant you see, there are probably a thousand others somewhere in your home… which is also their home……….. ugh. keep forgetting to buy Terro which google says is effective. wonder why i haven’t seen any ants in NTUC/ cold storage before??? shall go on an ant hunt there some day.

this song reminds me of the lion king for some reason but quite addictive

decisions, decisions….

can’t wait for summer but first have to get through weeks 8 9 10 11 12 13!??/?!?!? :S

zzz ant invasion in my room. idk how many years later and i’m still spending so much time trying to figure out where the stupid ant hole is. i hope they haven’t made a home in the terrarium because that would mean exile for the terrarium. another reason to declutter!!

am not sure if i have irrational beliefs abt friendship but should probably take the time to think about it soon. & i get the whole low maintenance thing but with 0 effort and 0 time, you can hardly maintain a relationship at all. it’s almost like having to get to know someone all over again after a few months since we are constantly changing, yet one could hold the same dated understanding of another and see no need to alter it at all? and the missing of important milestones in life! i do believe that there are moments you cannot make up for, big or small. perhaps i have found an irrational belief. how many people do you really need in your life at any one time?

still drowning in all the drama that happened today oh god. why do people waste energy on such stupid things like hello not busy enough? is this what a ‘toxic’ person is? what a harsh label to place on someone though.

self-centeredness is so repulsive.

cut cut cut declutter declutter declutter!!!!

so upset about the ants still…… but too tired to look for their home z z z z shall do it on……. lol maybe next week.

not sure when being ‘busy’ became something to boast about? how do you even know you’re going anywhere with all that?

craftholic is starting to grow on me although it is flowery and gay.