recently thought about the ‘love languages’ thing and thought words weren’t that important anymore. in the past few xyrs they’ve been cheapened by courtesies and lies and need no effort. it seems a simple ‘jiayou’ can replace one’s effort in being physically there for another. ‘sorry’ is suddenly enough when your actions show no respect for another – not their being, not their time, not their feelings. but was reminded this wk of how words can edify when genuine and spoken to the heart. am grateful to have journeyed with these few even if only for a short year. they have seen and understand my heart, exemplify faithfulness and humble service, and teach me to be vulnerable and more generous with kind words, that suddenly i find myself feeling hurt more frequently when at the receiving end of thoughtless comments. thank God for allowing us to journey together in this season before we graduate, for showing me what community can look like and for providing for this group

was also reminded of the first and only comm trail i did in ’16 when i just switched majors. actually quite sad that the whole prog ended up like that.. but i guess politics and differences of men plague every organisation. didn’t realise that the trail and ctp in general shaped my view of comm work and ABCD so much, time rly flies.. was so much younger n more ignorant then hahah grateful for the laojiaos who had so much patience for noobs like us and grateful for these opportunities. can’t believe i ever wanted to be an MSW HAAHAH must be psycho-ed by dr lee in the past.


aiyoh this song.. guess most swks can resonate.

I can’t unfeel your pain
I can’t undo what’s done
I can’t send back the rain
But if I could I would
My love, my arms are open
So when you feel like you can’t take another round of being broken
My arms are open
And when you’re losing faith and every door around you keeps on closing
My arms are open
I can’t uncry your tears
I can’t rewind the time
I can’t unsay what’s said
In your crazy life
My love, my arms are open
Oh, and when you’re cursing at the sky
And thinking, “lord, you must be joking”
My arms are open
And, and when you’re looking in the mirror
Thinking that, “my life is over”
My arms are open

it’s really not happening for my brain tonight.. gotta stop doing things in bits n pieces n losing my train of thought all the time. but today was interesting hahah to see how the biggest 头 can face similar challenges n dilemmas as we do cos we r all under the same laws.. how the NEA mozzie check can be used to gain entry into one’s home for protection of life cos we r powerless haha actually quite funny we like to joke tt it’s being ‘resourceful’ but under what circumstances wld tt b permissible?? feelsssssssss excited to work agn hahahhaha iz true what they say you forget abt clients when they are out of sight…. hais. all this fear of ‘adulting’ and committing they r rly starting to get in the way.. also seeing batchmates tt i havent seen for the entire sem was nice ^^ quite funny to know tt next time i may call another agency for referral or what and the person on the other end of the line cld be one of those who made v retarded jokes or were super enthu in class/ always late/ always seen on tele or fb in class/ best or worst proj mates hahahahahaaa. the human heart thinks it knows what it wants.. but only God knows best. it’s hard to explain anything at all. think greater self awareness is needed.. all these thoughts aiyoh……. but this iz only the beginning. :’)

I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings…
… Then I will ever sing in praise of your name and fulfill my vows day after day
– Psalm 61:4 & 8 (NIV)


so marks the end of another season. 10 weeks flew by so quickly though the last few days felt like they were nv gonna enDDD and were filled with so much dread n anxiety. not sure if im any closer to knowing where exactly i want to work in future, but rly cant imagine being in another field. but dis iz only da beginning. T_T

first day post placement: sleeping in, yoga n lunch with a long time friend, trying to finish up CSRs, class with a dancer i respect lots n getting REKT, and cell 🙂 one of the best things of tday wld probably be getting updates from a colleague tt we’ll be applying FA for my (ex)client :-))))) never wanted to be a worker dealing with FA but after so many ‘whys’ and frustrations the past 2 weeks, am relieved 🙂 indomie n sangria to end a loOooooOng week :-))))))

there are days i whine and rant like a child, wondering why God has called me to this, refusing to let myself free fall into His love and refusing to accept that He really does have it planned, from start to end. the journey inward has been tiring, explaining why this is even necessary to others who think they are listening, even more so. knowing something cognitively doesn’t mean acceptance, or that feelings automatically disappear. learning to sit with discomfort and feelings i dislike. thank God for a supervisor who exemplifies tough love and allows for vulnerability, for seminar classmates who understand and encourage. tired but grateful, and a looooong way to go

‘difficult only means you have to work hard’


motivation.. self efficacy.. self concept..
why am i doing what i am doing? why do i keep looking back at.. me?

first time missing exchange aft being back. the silence and simplicity, the weather, the lack of responsibility and expectations, meeting new people but only for a moment – fleeting but so genuine. bye bye boston 😦

why does this tiredness come so suddenly
am i really self aware at all?
why does it matter how others see me
if i say i am a servant of the Lord?
why do i forget lessons so easily
and why don’t my questions have answers
why have You called me to this
when only You know all things, from start to end?
how long before this all ends

maybe i can’t do this.. but maybe i can?

holding it up

this week was tiRING……. but reminded of His sovereignty and well rested in the Lord. how nice 2 spend a few hours in worship, with others who yearn for Him as well 🙂 joy comes from Him alone. 

those days are the reason why it is so important to know why i am doing what i do…. when u feel helpless and when self efficacy iS…. haharrr missing. the road seems so long but wanting to get to the end doesnt stop me from getting distracted.. should be working so much harder- owe it to my clients and to the Lord. praying that i will be faithful in the remaining weeks and months to come…..

sad to accept that i am far too quick to judge……. but after awareness comes action for change. 不能再那么懒散了!!must not expect from clients what i dare not even expect from myself right???????? hello discipline!! the smallest things matter, like a seemingly harmless complaint or whining about your situation. // held it in during session but felt like i was cutting my heart out and shoving it to the client.. literally ‘my heart goes out to you’ dong ma?? wish i could tell him how much i respect him and his resilience. but empathy isn’t internalizing another’s feelings and emotions